I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
