I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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