Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
