Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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