When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just invented taco cereal.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
