I have demons in me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
