And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
