I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
