I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
