Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
