mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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