Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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