Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
