I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
