I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
