I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if only i could text you this smell
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
