MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
