my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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