Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This house was built for laser tag.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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