Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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