the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
