I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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