Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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