HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
