you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
