I wish they made helmets for livers.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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