Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
