Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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