hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
