I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
