I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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