did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
