1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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