Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I won the penis lottery.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
