I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm too high and old for this...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
