the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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