Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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