so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
