Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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