I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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