Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
