Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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