spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
