I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
