Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
