btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
