Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
