i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
