this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
