I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
