i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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