Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
