Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
