please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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