I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
